i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
