Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
