I think my fart just growled at me.
Fuck appropriateness.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
