Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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