I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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