Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.