thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
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i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
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Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"