I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
