He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
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But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My bed smells like the plague