hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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