Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies