mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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