i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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