winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
