i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
