Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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