I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
