got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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