i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
