Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
