The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
