My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
