I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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