When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
