If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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