Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
