yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
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Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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