Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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