the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
