When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
