my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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