I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
And then he peed in my hair
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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