Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
