I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
