i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
someone owes me an orgasm
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
