she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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