well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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