I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
COCAINE IS GR8
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