When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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