its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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