The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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