i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
