I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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