his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
