apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
