He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
