what day is it and did you see me today?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The uberlube is also flammable
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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