Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
