You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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