I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
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better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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