I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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