I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
