I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
