Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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