Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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