I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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