what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
