Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
