The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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