According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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