i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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